This is from my xanga that i posted private on February 13, 2010
I feel guilty for hurting Brandon. It's like i owe a real explanation to him on why we never could get to together in the past few years. I mean this has nothing to do with Jovan. I love my husband more than anything in the world and what im saying now cannot alter whatever he brings to the table. But like for my friend's sake i feel like i should say something but at the same time it seems irrelevant cuz im married and he's in a serious relationship. But just for his mind i'd really like to put somethings to rest cuz maybe im wrong but i still get the impression that he stills thinks of me in that love way, you know? And i dont want that to always be in his mind and i dont want that to be in my mind that he still thinks of that you know? I think i should just keep quiet and thats probably what im going to do. So, im writing here just to vent it out to myself.
Ever since i met Brandon in Spanish class of 03, i knew he had an attraction to me. I mean he was the one to first talk to me and he was the one to ask for my number so i think that def gives it away. lol. But i totally thought of it as a friend thing and i kinda tried to deny and disregard his actual feelings for me by describing the kind of guys i liked which were (at the time) skater or preppy, shaggy haired, white guys. And i knew thats what put probably a lil halt on his trying-to-pursue-me thing. So, we continued talking as friends and he would confess things to me about his ex- basically first love (Michelle) and his views on the bible and sometimes kind of bi-ish remarks on guys and girls. And in the back of mind i always ruled him out cuz those things id never want my guy to have, you know?
So when summer of 06 came around and i was in MD at my cousin Kiki's house, Brandon was in Texas for his Tech scool since he enlisted in the Marines and stupid drama with my ex (Andrew) lead me to be single.....me and Brandon would talk almost everyday and late at night. But anyways, like i kinda of started seeing him in a different light, like almost letting myself think of him in that love way since (at that time) it was 3 years of us knowing eachother. Since, we were both unattached to ppl he felt he had the freedom to be a lil more sweet and cute towards me on the phone and i actually let myself accept it. I actually found myself to be jealous when Kiki was talking about keeping him to herself. lol. I also began to have sexy dreams with him in it and all that jazz. (I dont think i ever told him that though. lol.)
But then things started to shift at the end of the summer because after his tech school he had to go to Japan and i had to go back to Homestead and me deciding to really try to reconnect with Andrew started happening again. So, me and Brandon drifted apart in that relationship sense. I moved on with Andrew and Joey and i guess without really knowing it he was still thinking about me and wanting to be with me but couldnt do anything about it since he was in Japan. So, we'd talk here and there through Myspace messages and then he started to get the courage to tell me that he was thinking about me and missing me. Then in one message he had finally confessed that he loved me and i was flattered, but at the same time, felt awkward and didnt know how to deal with the situation cuz i had moved on. Plus, i was dealing with my strong and hurt feelings with Andrew and i really wanted to focus on that since that was actually in person. I mean Brandon was on the other side of the world, as much as he wanted to grab onto to me and keep that lil since of home in that far, foreign place...he couldnt cuz i wouldnt let him. Then after that rejection he lashed out to me. Saying he should have never told me he loved me cuz he embarrassed himself and was just really angry with the fact that he was there and i was here and felt such strong feelings for me and i wasnt giving them back. Really set him over the edge. And i felt so bad to have to try to explain somethings to him. I told him about certain things like Michelle thing, the bible thing...im not sure to this day if i told him about the bi-thing. But i felt so guilty and awkward that i really didnt want to keep putting negatives on his side so i tried to keep it at that and just let stuff be and blow over.
It finally has, but even when i was talking to him on the phone last Sat when i was waiting for Jovan to board the plane to go to Haiti (My hubby is in the Army)...its like i heard something in his voice. He is very frustrated in his relationship with Melissa right now and i dont want to get ahead of myself and say this but it was like when he was telling me all that nonsense he's dealing with...it was like he was saying "I really wish i was with you instead. You're the one i really wanted. You're the right one for me." He tells me he loves her but i can just hear that he's tired of it and he should be. He shouldnt have to try to discipline her children and try to get them to respect him and him have to pay the bills and he have to protect her all the time from the stupid, abusive exes she has. No relationship should be that way. They're not even married or even thinking about getting married from what i know so he can make a clear cut, but hes so nice that he cares too much and doesnt want to leave her in the dust like all the other men have done to her. Plus, its not like he has anything better on the other side so he's just sticking with it.
I dont want to brag and bet, but i have this weird feeling inside that if me and Jovan werent together and i had really tried to let Brandon see the other side with me...he'd prob go for it. Because he knows me. I'm not drama, im not the jealous type, im not badgering, im not so many negatives things that a lot of women are. And im pretty sure he'd take that chance with me.
But anyways, thats not happening but still, i want to say what i really think about his relationship but i then i dont want to come off jealous or mean and him try to think "Why is she saying this stuff?" and maybe thinking i have possibility of me to him and stuff like that.
It's really hard and awkward when you have a friend who loves you and you liked them but then never got together and moved on.
Also, some more things that didnt let me be with Brandon was that i always felt intimidated by him. Like, he is very worldy and smart and uses big vocabulary and just very intelligent where i felt that i didnt want to make him dumb himself down. So many times when i was in high school and we were on the phone i'd just agree with his thoeries and stuff cuz i didnt know what the hell he was really talking about. I would just say "mm-hmm" and "yeah" and just kept doing that til the next subject came around. lol. Also, another thing was that when he got mad at me for rejecting him and all that...i would think "jeez! It wouldnt have worked!" what were we gonna do, when he told me he loved me id say it back and we'd decide we'd be together and id wait 2 years til he came back to the US? I mean the reality of that was just not happening. How could i decide on trying at a long distance relationship when we had NEVER tried it in person. We never even went out as friends to a movie or the mall or any of that. How could i imagine myself with him when i havent seen him since that last day in Spanish class? Relationship's are not all about sex and kissing but you must have to have some kind of thing of seeing a person emotions on their face or seeing what kind of body language they have. Things that you imagine over and over in your head to last you a lifetime. I can close my eyes now and think of all of Jovan's body language and emotions and laughter on his face and thats a lot of why i am in love with him. The physicality of emotion is so important.
Then OMG! What if i agreed to it and then had met Jovan? Oh jeez! That would have been the worst shit in the world. Cuz if i left Andrew who was in person and was treating me right at the time...i def would have ended things with Brandon and what kind of heart break would have that been? He was on the other side of the world and one thing he could hold onto was me and love for me who was back in the states and then i break his heart and he finds out i was hanging out with someone else and then pursued a serious relationship with after and then got pregnant?! I think that would have just killed him and we def wouldnt be friends right now. So, as hard as it may be for him....it was actually the best.
And that is why i feel, i should tell him the extra things so he wont have this back in the mind "If only..." thing going on, you know? But im not. Im just gonna keep it to myself and if he ever does blurt out and say those things again...i will have to bust out this blog to get him to understand why it did not happen for us during the last almost 7 years. ::sigh:: i def feel better for writing this. I've been thinking about it over and over and trying to reason it in my mind and try not to drive myself crazy everytime he does say nice things to me like he texted the other day...i told him that i had just woke up from a dream about him choosing to not ever talk to me again in order to save his relationship and he texted back "That ain't gonna happen"
It made me laugh and think "Wow, i really am that important in his life." and it also made think that he still treasures me in that love way. And thats another reason why i wrote this blog.
Blargh. lol. Still battling with the truth but its cool. Im keeping it to myself.
Until next time....
